Hindsight

Clayton’s a friend I’ve known since 1997. He decided to have a BBQ in my honor yesterday.

It was a grand deal: I was re-united with everyone from a year ago and everyone got a lot of good food and drink. Mari, Haijme and Linda brought Umeshu (my favorite drink). They may not have been the exact brand at Koichi’s but they were close enough to be enjoyable throughout the afternoon.

The mixed gathering included new faces, from Japan. I was happy to insert some Japanese here and there during our conversations. Later in the evening it almost felt surreal. The day was probably the first I was with so many friends and just, finally, felt relaxed. Linda even got me a belated birthday present: the first DVD w/ box to “Please Teacher” (Onegai Teacher). How neat is that? Good times.

Today I woke up at noon after last night’s late-night drive. I immediately re arranged my room, with mild protest from mum later. Too late though, it’s been done and the place is much more spacious and navigable. Some habits you just have to bring back with you.

I got the eBay ball rolling once again. Just a few auction posts a day does the trick for me. I went through boxes, glad that I organized them well prior to leaving for Japan. Some unused hardware beckoned to be sold, in addition to several games and the like. With no sentimental value attached to them, it was easy to snap a picture of each item and announce their sale.

Keeping busy has been good, and I intend to keep it up. I went through some more photos that were left in my room, organized some other boxes and went over to JJ’s to throw over some items for an upcoming community garage sale. Optimism manifests, albeit slowly.

Everyone’s comments, by the way, have been particularly uplifting. Thank you.

Jeremy is my nephew. He’s 15 now, ready for his sophomore year of high school (which is located conveniently a block away) and going through all that which high schoolers do. He’ll tell me things he won’t tell his mom, maybe because I somehow understand and respect his secrets. He’s also a consummate video gamer, which is kind of nice – it’s like seeing me when I was ten years younger.

It’s also scary to note that our cursive handwriting is virtually the same.

I was talking to JJ a few days ago about one of his friends, a home-schooled boy who is about to get into the real high school environment for the first time. JJ’s worried about him and I would be too. What stood out in the conversation that night, though, was his concern about how his friend would dress when he got out there. JJ was worried how he’d stand out as a geek with shorts above the knees and other parts of his friend’s getup.

The topic struck me just because I remember going through that very phase. While not wearing extreme pants (you know, the ones where you can fit actual kids into your pant legs) I did go through a baggy phase and then later this khaki-polo deal where I was amazingly retentive. Only until college did I relax and find my way, so to speak. The trials of growing up.

Since I’ve been back I started using my Sketcher’s, and while they do look good, they are nowhere as comfortable as my sneakers that I wore virtually all year in Japan. Why in hell would you want to tread pavement in “good looking” shoes when they would just be giving you blisters? I never thought about them, I just used the sneakers.

When I was with my friends (read previous post) we drove to Dave & Buster’s to meet up with some of his frends on Xanga. He knew only one of them and I felt like I was an older guy spending time with people in high school I didnt know. While he was off speaking with another friend of mine I was trying to start conversation with the other coolkids, and it was interesting for awhile until I realized how superficial most conversations were. We ended up leaving after spending far too much time out and I drank nothing but a Corona just to relax. Later, some other Xanga-ite joined us and he receives the asshole-of-the-year award for being the most arrogant person I’ve met since I’ve been back. It only soured the evening.

Sorry but all this high school shite ended a decade ago for me. I am definitely looking forward to today. If anyone decides to rain on my parade, I will have a problem and I will give them something to think about.

So I’ve been going through my own little deal. Trying to “fit in” again. But you know, today I’m just going to wear my sneakers and be comfy. There is no fitting to be done. Just do as I did in Japan and carry on. Carry on.

Maybe I’ll finally get to take some pictures and not scare the locals.

I miss my kids, and I miss my friends in Kitakyushu quite a bit. I just met up with my close friend today and, while he hasn’t changed all that much, I guess I have. I felt like I was with a group of slightly younger kids or something. I don’t know, maybe it’s too early. I’ll be hanging around my other good friends on Sunday at a BBQ, so we’ll see how that goes.

Right now I’m listening to Utada Hikaru to feel “normal”. I have had her song “A.S.A.P.” stuck in my head for the last two days since I loaded up her Deep River album.

Today when my friend took me out to an all-you-can-eat buffet akin to yakiniku, I used my chopsticks the entire time (people used tongs to put meat on the grill). Somethings just remain comfortable.

Starting to wonder if coming home was such a good idea.

Things will work out though, I tell myself.

Although I knew that I was quite the foreigner, that I was separate from certain groups, it was clear where I stood, whoI was, who I was with. It’s mundane here. I think I’m very stressed out at the loss of my privacy and the lack of my own apartment.

Part of me, like Amber (whose e-mail I just responded to), feels like Japan never happened. Yet at the same time, it does – after todays experiences I see that I’ve changed. Most I know haven’t. They can’t easily see it on me, though at least not yet. Sometimes I’ll try to act like I did before I left and it doesn’t feel so “natural” anymore, so I avoid it altogether. So this is what reverse culture shock is like.

I suppose I was so comfortable and used to living alone.

Today marked the first day from true rest (long stretches of sleep from 11pm or so until 11am) and, knock on wood, no stomach problems. I could be on the right track here.

Above is the current “cover” to my photolog of Japan, Statement of Agreement.

Above is Lane’s site, Sunrise. Do we see a problem here?

No, not necessarily. First off, Lane (the author of Sunrise) e-mailed me some weeks ago, asking if my design could be used. I gave him the green light.

Some of you may ask why I would let my design be carbon-copied for someone else’s site. Others might ask, “why not?”. Exactly.

Lane isn’t making profit off my design. Well, as far as I know. More importantly, he’s showcasing his personal experience now, which should be interesting. Personally it is almost like seeing a continuation of a film. A relative sequel perhaps? In that way it seems exciting and curious to me. In a sense it’s like I handed my scrapbook to someone and said “go with it and see what you come up with”.

There has always been the copycatting in website design, mild inspiration, what have you. But I suppose this is the first time in memory that one of my little sites has directly inspired something else. Rather than be frustrated or shocked at the copy of my design, I’m honestly flattered someone liked my work and wanted to showcase theirs using it too.

This is not to say that I’m letting everyone else in the webworking hobby to take my design or to email me asking. It just so happened that Lane e-mailed me, asked and I gave him the go. His request was a really nice thing to do, and that’s probably why I was even happier to let him go with the design.

Being back home is strange. As previously mentioned, it’s good to be back and it doesn’t feel good to be back. That was expected though, but oh how relapses of last year come into play. I’ve decided, at least for now, not to write so much about the problems at home – that wouldn’t really show any progression on my part nor would it be very entertaining. Things get old, and it’s time to focus on the better. Let the dirt disappear, keep the more profound things in the queue of entries instead.

The final month (July) of pictures for Statement Agreement is up.

http://www.jameswong.com/japan/pictures

First off, I would like to thank the 20 or so group of religious retreat adventurers on my longer Osaka to Los Angeles flight for never failing to stay loud and obnoxious. If not for their exemplary work, my jet lag would have never been so damaging to me, as it is now. They set a true standard for all Americans, as they were right behind me and so many other Japanese tourists who passed dirty and helpless looks when trying to rest.

Down my row during the latter part of the hellish flight I noticed a Japanese women hunched forward, trying to rest her head on her tray table. It was obvious that if she had even a melee weapon, the people behind us would be a lot quieter within seconds. Oh, how some of us could have wished.

I arrived home Saturday morning. Without any sleep for the past 16 hours (2 flights: Bangkok to an Osaka stopover, then Los Angeles) I was rather ill on the drive home. I was somewhat coherent but terribly exhausted.

Sunday I drove over to Keith’s, a friend and former coworker of mine. He drove us down to Matt’s to spend a day just playing new games and relaxing. The heat was unbearable, but sho ga nai (it can’t be helped). Among other things we played Panzer Dragoon Orta (amazingly excellent and gorgeous) and Para Para Paradise (another game in the excellent line of “play, look silly, but enjoy” type dancing/music games.

No doubt yesterday was fun, but around lunchtime I was already fatigued again. In fact I had stomach problems the entire day, but not enough to keep me too down.

I went to sleep last night (still now knowing how I was able to drive home and not drive off the 57 freeway) and woke up at 5am with headaches and a mild fever. Some headache/fever geltabs did the trick.

Today I did the wiser and stayed home and slept when I felt any urge to instead of pushing myself. Still, I am active only at various moments: I want to do so much, but I simply can’t. I’ve unpacked most of my stuff but a lot remains to be organized and put away. I talk slower, think slower and just trudge around slower in the house. I just need all the rest I can get right now. This is, by far, the worst jet lag I’ve ever experienced.

Right now the most I can do is sit idle in front of my computer or TV. My body refuses to do much otherwise. I try to sleep at midnight, wake up at 5am sharp and sleep again later for a few hours from 1-5pm or so. As they say, twisted.

I’ve been recontacting everyone, and am happy to hear from them.

Being home is as it was. It’s easy to tell that I’ll not want to be home longer than six months if I can find a way out, even if that means a financial struggle. Being out in Japan for the year did that. Mum hasn’t changed and, for those of you who know me, that’s an instant excuse to get the fuck out of dodge.

No more “irasshaimase” when entering stores or restaurants, or any other sounds of Japanese lately. The vending machines are nowhere in sight. After flipping through the whole gamut of channels this afternoon (rapidly I might add), it’s the same old crap. Is it safe to say that being in a foreign place felt more like home than being in my home state of California? C’est la vie.

It’s quite sad, really. But, this is home. For now. I’m looking forward to seeing what comes up in the next few weeks. I’ve started contacting people about work and we’ll see how that moves. Other than that, I have decided to stay home during most of this week and rest up so that I can actually be productive instead of be restless-yet-fatigued.

Even though it’s my last night in Bangkok, I am compelled to post a memorable picture from July 14th. The girl furthest right is Rumi – one of the most positive and friendly 2-nensei students I’ve co-taught. Never afraid to try english, never afraid to walk up to say hello and communicate.

I returned from a nice, relaxing vacation at Rayong, about 30 kilometers past the tourist-heavy Pattaya beach. It, too, is a beach area. Given that it was a weekday, almost no one was on the beach. In fact, we were the only ones swimming about at our beachside hotel.

I’ve taken a slew of pictures that will have to wait until I return home (which has a broadband connection)…

Once again I’m finding it difficult to place all my thoughts into one post. Tomorrow morning I’ll be on a flight to Los Angeles International. Right now I’m “touristed” out. I don’t need anymore introductions to new foods or customs or temples or anything for that matter. I’d just like to find a sense of the familiar.

Of course, being in Kitakyushu became the familiar.

I really miss my kids.

I’ve enjoyed most of my time here in Thailand, and I do miss Japan quite a bit. So this is how it feels, I thought to myself. This is how it is.

Tomorrow is the start of the next chapter I suppose. Blank, unwritten, without an outline.

I’m going home.